Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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