I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
