he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
