I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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