you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
