Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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