So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
