i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
