It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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