Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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