I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
