So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
