wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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