I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I will pee on everything he values.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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