mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
