Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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