I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
