So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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