The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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