More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
