he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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