If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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