my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
