Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
