U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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