i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Drunk is a universal language darling
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