Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
