remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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