Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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