I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
