Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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