you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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