eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
