i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
