I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
