i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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