how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Actions speak louder than pants.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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