Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
