So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
