I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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