Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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