nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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