I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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