Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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