Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
