Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
