I smell stomach acid.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize