you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
