oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
