I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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