shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
