I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
