The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
