a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
