Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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